Water. A margarita. Chips, guacamole, and salsa. A half a burrito (but it was a big burrito). This is more than I have eaten in the past four days combined, most likely, and my stomach is rejecting it. I might vomit not of my own will. I literally feel about ready to pop. And I am freaking out. I was walking around my room, tears streaming down my face just a half hour ago. I hate food. I hate it so much. I hate that I can't feel normal after eating, and I hate that other people can. I hate not being able to eat a "normal" amount of food without feeling sick to my stomach, because it has shrunk so much. I hate the number I will see on the scale tomorrow morning. I hate my fatness.
But then there is another part of me that loves it. I love not being able to eat a full meal without feeling sick. I love hating food. I love having control over what I eat, and watching others when they don't. I love not feeling okay after I've eaten something. I cherish the four o'clock hour, when it becomes illegal for me to eat anything until "dinner" (if I even have dinner). I love spending a half hour contemplating whether to eat dinner or not. I love myself because I know I will be skinny, and when I am skinny, I will be happy. I know this.
And the part of me that loves this outweighs the part of me that hates this by far. So I will keep going, until I reach my goal.
Tomorrow I will most likely be 123 or 124lbs., and I will take it from there.
Love you, Skinnies
~Sottile
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Tomorrow is always a chance to do better :)
ReplyDeletei know exactly the feeling you're talking about... i'm feeling it right now. today we celebrated mother's day with my family because i'll be out of town this weekend for a dance competition, and i felt SO sick afterwards. i would've started crying so hard if i wasn't around people.
ReplyDeletebut i know you'll bounce back so fast and you'll be SO skinny. you CAN do this. and you will. i know you will. stay motivated, skinny. you've got this. =]
xoxo
oh I can tell how hard is that. I think we all feel this pretty often.
ReplyDeletetake a nice sleep and tmrrw everything will be better :)
if you're lucky that huge intake kickstarts the metabolism and makes you lose weight very fast afterwards!
ReplyDeletei know the feelings you're talking about as well.