To the Skinny Girl at the Coffee Shop This Morning

Thank you. Thank you for making me remember why I am doing this, and why I want this so much. Your ultra-thin legs encased in tight dark-wash boot-cut jeans, punctuated with those cute and colorful Puma sneakers spoke of control and grace. Your small hands and slender fingers were your ambassadors to the world, wordlessly telling everyone your every fancy and whim. Your head, poised so perfectly on your slim neck, tilted at all the right angles during every conversation, showing off every angle of your cut cheekbones. Your fine hair, loosely pulled back so it bobbed as your moved and spoke, highlighted your fragile yet strong persona that perforated the air around you. I was captivated by you, and in awe. So confident in everything you did, so perfect in your movements. Sometimes I just need a reminder of what I am working towards, and why I should relish the hunger, and I thank you for that.

In others news, I wanted to put the word out about a new show on E! that I keep seeing commercials for. It's called "What's Eating You", and it is a six-part series all about eating disorders. It starts this Wednesday, and it looks pretty good. I am trying to figure out how to be able to watch it, since it's not exactly a show I can watch when the roomies are around. While we have a DVR and I could record it at one of the random times it will be on, like 1am, I don't want either one of them to get curious as to what it is about when they see it on the recorded shows list, and then start questioning me about why I am watching a show about EDs. Unfortunately, E! is one of those channels that has yet to get on the posting-your-shows-online boat, so it's not like I could watch it from the safety of my room with the door closed. We'll see, I guess. Hopefully I can catch it when no one is home without having to record it or something like that. Anyone have any suggestions? Man, I wish I had cable in my room! Or that I lived by myself!

I hate eating, by the way. If you haven't figured that out yet. It just gives me anxiety, before and after the deed. Even during the deed! I planned to make a tomato stuffed with tuna fish for dinner tonight, but at around 2pm today, I was getting pretty hungry and shaky, because I hadn't eaten much of a breakfast, only a few bites of yogurt. After much deliberating, I decided I would have some tortilla chips with tzatiki dip (yogurt/cucumber dip). After eating it, I felt like I had eaten so much, even though I know I hadn't, and that it would have been a snack for a normal person, but I still felt like I went over my limits and I have been crazy anxious for the past two hours. I hate this! I am supposed to be studying right now, but I can't focus on anything past reading two sentences without thinking about eating that food. I also know that I will not be hungry at all for that tomato, so that is out of the question. It disappoints me, too, because that had been my planned out dinner for the past two nights, and each afternoon I did something that caused me not to be able to eat that tomato. I feel like it is going to go bad before I get a chance to eat it. I hate it when I plan on allowing myself something like this, and then I ruin the plan. And while most normal people would eat the tomato anyway, we all know that it is impossible for me to eat the tomato now. I hate eating when I am not hungry. I hate eating when I AM hungry, because then the hungry goes away, but I especially hate eating when I'm not hungry. Because then I feel gluttonous and desperate and greedy. So yeah, no dinner again tonight.

Tonight I am going to see Secretariat with T. I am really looking forward to seeing this movie! I love horses :) No surprise, me being a vet student and everything. T loves horses, too, so she was more than happy to have a roomie-date. Diane Lane is one of my favorite actresses, too, so it should be good.

I know there a thousand more things I wanted to tell you all about, but I can't think of them. I need to start jotting these ideas down, because as soon as I open a blank entry, I forget 70% of the things I was going to write about. It's inevitable.

Love you, Skinnies!

~Sottile