My Last Freedom

As much I love being home and around my family, I am looking forward to this being the last true break from school of my life. Starting Monday, I will begin my clinical rotations, which will go through May 2012, when I will graduate and move on to the real world of working a full time job. So, these past five weeks have been the last of their kind. It's bittersweet, because as I said just a few sentences ago, I love coming home to my family. The thing is, though, that I always end up gaining weight when I am home. It's a combination of wanting to please my mom, not having many things to stress about, having large quantities of food around that I did not choose to buy (read: junky stuff like cookies), and just the expectation of my family for me to eat.

When I am at school at my own apartment, I buy my food, so the bad things are not allowed in. My friends don't expect me to eat much. I am usually stressed out, which lowers my appetite considerably. I don't have anyone to please with my eating, only myself. So, as much as I am sad that the days of coming home for school break are basically over, and I am now going to be an adult, only visiting my "parent's house" (because it won't really be my house again) for a few days at a time, it will be better for my self esteem and the numbers on the scale.

I fear that over these past five weeks, I have gained anywhere from 5-10 pounds. I started break at 125lbs., and I have no idea how much I weigh, because my mom doesn't keep a scale in the house. Just from the way my clothes fit, though, I know I have gained. I definitely see it in my thighs. It comes from all the skiing, though, because they are incredibly toned right now. Just way too muscular for my liking. I have been skiing almost everyday this break, just like other breaks, and it always bulks up my thighs. I don't like my pants to fit this tight through the butt and thigh. I just wish I could go skiing without having to worry about building up so much muscle, but at least when I go back to school, the extra muscle I have added will help to burn calories faster.

My first rotation is also Large Animal, so I will be able to wear big coveralls over all my clothes, and I won't need to think about how gross I look for two weeks. Two weeks will be long enough for me to lose at least five to seven pounds and feel a little better about myself. I think that when I get back to school, instead of weighing myself immediately like I will want to, I will wait for a week to kick back into some good restricting, and then weigh myself so I don't get discouraged right off the bat.

My plan for eating when I get back to school will be something like this:

• Breakfast: coffee, orange juice, a few bites of yogurt or oatmeal (this will have to be eaten at home, because I can no longer bring my breakfast with me to school since I don't have formal class during which to eat; hence the "few bites"; I refuse to wake up earlier to eat)
• Lunch: apple and carrots, or apple and grapes, or apple and banana, with maybe a rice cake thrown in there sometimes
• Dinner: soup or half an Amy's vegetarian gluten-free frozen dinner
• LOTS OF WATER!!

I am really excited about getting back. I love having plans like this. It makes me feel more in control, and that my goal is still within reach. Because I will make my goal, mark my words. Basically, this will equal out to about less than 800 calories a day, which makes me smile like nothing else. I am going to work really hard these last few days I am home to slim out out my thighs as much as possible. I have even noticed that my abs are more muscle-y, which is also not to my liking. I like a fragile appearance, and right now I feel too strong.... is that so weird? Like, I feel like I know a ton of girls who would want my body right now, including a lot of my friends, but I can't stand this "toned" look. I feel like Kate Bosworth from her Blue Crush days. I LOVE to ski, but I hate what it does to my muscles. I should try to find out what diet Kate did to lose her muscle weight she gained from that movie.

While I was at Victoria's Secret today, buying a pair of PINK sweats so I could get a free mini-dog (I know, what a dumb reason to buy something!) I was swooning over the Sexy Little Things line of underwear. I have a few pairs, and I love them. SO comfy, sexy, and hott! Well, I decided that once I get out of the 120s for good, I will buy myself a new pair, and then once I reach my ultimate goal of 108lbs., I will buy myself a bunch of new sexy undies and bras with lace and animal print and pink, and get rid of all the young-looking underwear I have. Some pairs I still have from high school! Hello, that means some of those pairs are 8-10 years old. I am ashamed. So yes, time for adult woman grown up underwear. And I am definitely going to want to have some sexy undies to show off my skinny butt, if only for myself :)

Well, this is getting far too long, and I should try to go to bed. The meds I am on make sleeping a little difficult, because one causes insomnia, so I just can't get to sleep and then wake up in the middle of the night for no reason, and the other one causes drowsiness and tiredness, so I feel really sleepy during the day and out of it, what with the drowsy pills and the insomnia during the night. Ugh, what a combo.

Love you, Skinnies

~Sottile