Happy New Year, my lovely ladies! My, it's been a long time since I've posted. I always find it difficult to post when I'm home. I don't know why. I am going to try to post at least every other day beginning today, because posting and keeping up with all of you makes me do so much better. The holidays have not been good for me eating-wise, and while I haven't binged, I haven't made the best choices by any means. But, it's a brand new year, and what better "start over" is there than this? You can probably all guess my resolution. I want to lose this weight, once and for all, and never go back. I don't know how much I weigh right now, because I don't have a scale at home, but when I get back to my apartment at school, I want to weigh no more than 120lbs., and I will work my way down from there to 108lbs. I am so sick of feeling the way I do about my body, and I just want to be proud of the way I look again. It's really not that much to ask.
In other news, I think EDs run in families. Has anyone ever looked into whether genetics play a factor in eating disorders? Because I obviously have issues, I would be very surprised if my mom hasn't starved herself or eaten very little at one point in her life (and she still is very preoccupied with her appearance and weight sometimes) and now my brother, who I have written about once before, definitely has an issue with his weight. He lost a bunch of weight during his senior year of high school, but he looked good at his graduation. He was trim and muscular from working out, and he looked really great. He had been untoned and "skinny fat" when he first began losing weight. You know, a little bit of a tummy, slim overall, and no muscle tone really. So he started working out, and began eating better, and he looked great! Well, he came home from college for winter break, and he has lost probably another 20 pounds. He looks so thin, and I saw him without his shirt on the other day, and you can see all his ribs and his waist goes in like a girl's. He looks ill. It pains me to see him like this, because I know exactly what he is going through, but I don't know what to say to him. And my mom has asked me to talk with him, because he just thinks she is pestering him because she's "mom" when she tells him he needs to gain weight.
How ironic, right? I am a "normal" weight right now, so from the outside I look totally healthy, but I have never been more disordered in my head. And now I need to tell my kid brother that he looks bad and too thin and needs to eat more and put on weight, while I want to and have plans to do the same thing that he is doing. It's so horrible, but I am a little jealous of how much weight he has lost, and it's really triggering to me to see him eat one Poptart and a glass of milk, which probably adds up to 350 calories, and then eat nothing else until dinner. Like, the other day, he went skiing having only eaten the poptart and milk, and you should have seen my mom's face. She looked horrified when she asked him if he was going to have lunch before he left, and his response was "I had a Poptart". When he left, she began talking with me about how little he eats, etc., and I all I could think was "I am going to have to talk with this kid, when I only have a bowl of cereal and coffee in the morning, and then I ski all day without eating lunch, either".
I do the exact same things he does, and I am supposed to talk with him about how what he is doing is not smart and is unhealthy? Who am I to tell him that? I don't want him to go down this path, because I know how much this can suck, and I don't want that for him. I just don't know what to say. Do you girls have any ideas?
And then I feel like a huge hypocrite, because I am going to tell him all this stuff, and the next time he sees me, I will *hopefully* be looking like a stick. It's too late for me, though, and I know I won't be happy until I am 108 again. I need it more than anything. I don't know what I would do if someone told me that I had to stay this size for the rest of my life. I couldn't bear it. But my brother is a smart kid. He's going to be an engineer, and he has a 4.3 average right now in college. He MUST know that he isn't eating enough. I just feel like someone besides my mom needs to shake him and wake him up and tell him that he looks like crap. I really hope he isn't too far into an ED and that he can get out of this before it consumes him.
Anyway, sorry if this post was a bit of a downer. I just need some support and ideas from you ladies about how to talk to him. I don't know what to say...
Love you, Skinnies
~Sottile
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Yes, eating disorders run in families. Twin studies have shown fairly large genetic contribution in EDs.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother had anorexia and, while my mother has never been diagnosed, she has very disordered eating habits. I didn't start realizing this until I left that house, but now I notice every time I go back. I worry about my younger brother and sister...but we're not close enough for them to open up to me if they have issues. I also don't visit often because it is so stressful for me, so I rarely see them.
I wish I knew what to tell you to say to your brother, but I have no idea. I guess think of what you might want him to say to you if the positions were switched? Let him know that you care for him and are worried.
Good luck! My thoughts are with you.
Happy new year!
ReplyDeleteI have found from my personal experience that eating disorders run in families. My mother has struggled with an eating disorder most of her life, and I have had one for about 5 years now.
I totes agree that a lot of the eating disorder behavior is picked up and/or encouraged by family. Unfortunately for me, my family is a bunch of yo-yo dieting binge eaters! Ugh!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your brother. Tread lightly. Think of what would have resonated with you and helped.
studies do show that eating disorders run in families- I read a study once that saif girls who had sisters or a mother with an eating disorder were 70% more likely to develop an eating disorder... where do you think I picked up on most of my behaviors? My older sister had an eating disorder. we're 11 months apart, it would be impossible for her not to rub off on me.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's tragic! And yes, I agree with the girls above- there have been studies that prove that eating disorders run in families. So if you AND your brother both have disordered tendencies, I'd be willing to bet your mother did too. It's a shame, but it's the truth! Just speak from the heart and let him know it's okay to indulge every once in a while and that it's healthy to have muscle. Ask him if he feels like a man when he's that weak looking (I know that my brother hates his extremely thin body, and Ashley from Supersize vs. Superskinny hated his as well- he was manorexic) so maybe that'll help him open up to you about why he needs the control over himself. Good luck :)
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Victoria
I agree. I think if you make it an issue of "manliness", it may resonate a little. Its harder to convince a woman that thin is not in, but for men, a bit of muscular bulk is good. At the very least, he could supplement with some protein. Get him to eat some healthy chicken breast or something. Maybe he doesn't even realize how he looks. Good luck!
ReplyDeletehonestly, i wouldn't try to convince him to change; we all know that is a waste of time. If he is going to change, it is going to be his decision. Let him know that you care and you know what he's going through. Be an ally (not in weight loss, but in the struggle), do not criticize.
ReplyDeletehey! very eloquent post :) i definitely think EDs have a family component. It might not be genetic, but living with/spending a lot of time with people who have or are still struggling with with eating disorder or just have issues with food/weight can definitely influence you. My mom was anorexic when she was my age, and is still very obsessive about what she eats and her weight. My dad doesn't have an ED but he's a health freak, and he teases my mom all the time about eating too much or not healthily. He reads the labels of everything that comes into the house and it's like he judges everything my mom and i eat. Although he really is a nice guy and a great dad, i'm sure he has played a large role in my disordered eating, and my mom has too.
ReplyDeleteI'm not so sure what you can say to your brother other than maybe bond over it, and you never know, maybe some day you will both be able to recover together? When you are ready for that.
<3
Hypocrites maybe, but it's so hard to watch loved ones heading down the same road as we're on. I feel the same about my younger sis--since after Christmas she's been upset by how fat she thinks she is, and she's talking about starving. I just want to shake her and scream "YOU'RE NOT FAT!!" I don't know what to say either. <3
ReplyDeleteI missed you!! Glad you're back. xoxo
Oh right? There are so many fatties at my work, I just let my inner catty bitch run wild...in my mind. They all call me skinny. The fuck if I am! They ain't seen nothing yet. :)
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