Yeah, so I am currently at home on the couch, wearing pajama pants and watching Tivoed episodes of junky reality TV shows. Instead of being in a dress at the auction. Score!
The whole thing went like: I had an exam this morning for Poisonous Plants. It is a pass/fail class, and we get two attempts at the final exam, the first being this morning. I did not start studying for it until yesterday, because I have been studying for my other classes that actually matter and actually have grades. So I failed it by two points, and I felt really angry at myself, especially because all my friends passed. I felt so dumb. I also think I am more upset over my cousin not coming to visit than I realized. I was really looking forward to seeing her this weekend. All in all, I have felt really down all day. And I know it's stupid, because I got good grades on my midterms for my other two classes that are much harder, and that is what matters. But I still can't believe I failed it; I feel inadequate. So, during a crying bout in lab this morning, I told my friends I was not coming to auction. They understood, and wished that I would come, but they didn't try to push me into coming. Which was good, because then I probably would have felt guilty, and gone, and been miserable. Sometimes you just need to be alone.
Lately I have been feeling a bit like a spinning top, just spinning, spinning, spinning, not knowing when I am going to stop, or where I am going to end up, or whether I will spin out of control. I feel like sometime soon, that top might just fly off into space, and then I don't know where I will be. I think I do so much so I will always have something to do, and I won't ever have to think about how I really feel. Like all the things I do define me somehow, and without them, I don't know who I am. Like I take on all this stress to feel something.
I have been in a weird mood all day. Except for my moment in lab today, no one would know anything is wrong. I put up such a good front, I surprise myself.
Love you, Skinnies!
~Sottile
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Oh no! Can you re-take the exam? One of my instructors took 10 points off of a project for missing something that WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE INCLUDED. I'm contesting it, of course, but I'm still pissed.
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