Mind Vomit

I had a lot of chips. Probably about 500 cals. worth. Ick. My stomach felt so angry after. I was only going to have a few, but then it turned into this evil little game I was playing with myself, and I don't even know how it happened. My last chip HAD to be the perfect chip. The one that looks like an entire slice of potato, with the edges curved up just so. And if my hand touched a chip, I had to eat it, so I couldn't paw through the bag looking for the chip. I would come across chips broken in half, so they had to be eaten, and chips that had little bits taken off, so they had to be eaten; chips that were curved all the way around, so they were like a little tube - not perfect, obviously must be eaten; flat chips - not acceptable, put in mouth and chew. I am sure I looked like an idiot, inspecting the chips for imperfections before putting it in my mouth and continuing the search. Finally, I found the perfect chip. But they were Ruffles, so I had to eat it pleat by pleat, and it took about ten minutes of gingerly biting the chip with my front teeth. I think I make it so that I can't even enjoy eating anymore - there has to be something more to it, some reason, some task to complete, and I can't think about anything else until it is completed. I sound so insane.

On the bright side, this all happened at 3pm. I hadn't eaten since 9am, when I had a very small slice of my homemade banana nut bread, probably about 200 calories, with a cup of coffee. By 3pm, I was shaking, which was why I decided to eat anything at all. And I didn't have anything else to eat all day after the chip disaster, except for water. I weighed myself a little while ago, and I am only up one pound from this morning's weight, which is normal on a maintenance day. Not that I want any day to be a maintenance day, but as long the scale only tells me one pound from the morning's weight, I know tomorrow morning will be this morning's weight as well. So not weight gained.

Yesterday was our last day of classes. Now all that is standing between me and freedom is a two day final, six hours each day. I am going to kill myself. Not really, but I am going to want to. To celebrate, most of the tutorial groups we are split into had little parties on Friday, all involving food. I brought in orange juice for mimosas. In my group, we had cheese and crackers, Boston Cream Pie, chocolate cream cake, mimosas, Milky Way mini candy bars, oranges, nuts, grapes, and cookies. At 10am! Who in their right mind eats cake, pie, and cookies at 10am, even if they don't have an eating disorder?? I refrained from everything except for two pieces of cheese and some grapes. I "saved a cookie for later" as well as a piece of the pie, and put them in the nearest trash can that was out of sight. I had a bite of the frosting off the chocolate cake, because my tutor group wouldn't hear of me not trying some, even when I said I don't like cake. Which is actually true. But one girl said "Well at least try some of the frosting. It's so fudgey, you'll love it!" So to avoid being rude, I tried a bite of the frosting. I don't know how people ate that cake. I literally could not stop tapping my foot for two hours from the sugar high I got off that one little bite.

And then we didn't finish the whole cake in tutorial group, so the girl who made it brought it into the student lounge, where people were eating their lunch. I also don't know how people did this, because most groups had been eating in tutor group as well, and lunch immediately followed group. So the cake was put in the lounge, and people were taking these HUGE hunks! It was actually really disgusting to watch. I wanted to puke, especially when this one girl in my class who is really fat took the biggest piece out of anyone. And I know for a fact that she had a bunch of food in her tutorial group that morning, because my roomie K is in her tutor group, and she was telling me what they were going to have. Not only is that just greedy and piggish, but it is so much worse that she was so fat too. She looked exactly like the classic stereotype of a fat person; she could have been a cartoon. It was so gross, and I found myself feeling sorry for her. I am sorry if I am coming off like a bitch, but there is really no one else I can talk to about this who will understand and not gasp at me for saying it. Fat people just gross me out. I can't help it.

So K is really making me laugh lately. I have already told you how she stress eats. Well, she has put on about 10lbs. since school started in August, and she is saying how she needs to lose weight, she is so fat, etc. Her plan is to lose 5lbs. over winter break by running. Whatever, I give her credit. But she could at least be trying to make a dent right now anyway instead of letting everything go to hell for the time being, and taking care of it later. But no, she has a big chicken sandwich and fries and ice cream from Friendly's the other night, of which she finished all; she picks up Arby's for dinner last night while we are at the mall; she ate about half a bag of pretzels and half a container of french onion dip while snacking today; she had three types of cookies in her room that I know of; and to top it off, she makes a salad for dinner tonight. But she puts shredded mozzarella cheese, a bunch of croutons, and douses it in dressing. An hour after she is done, she comes back into the kitchen for Thin Mints. Good luck on your weight loss.

At least when she studies in her room, she doesn't know how little I am eating. Or how weird I am when I do eat.

This is getting really long. I like to write; I'm sorry.

Last thing, I swear. I have discovered that if I eat my dinners in solid colored bowls, K can't see how much food I put in there, or if I finished it all. So I have been making soup lately, putting a few spoonfuls, and then taking a really long time to finish two of the spoonfuls. Then I slyly dump the rest out. It's working really well.

Love you, Skinnies!

~Sottile