Just Stop, Seriously

Hi my sweets! I am really very sorry about this whole "a post here and a post there" business. I am at one of the busiest points right now of school, and everything's been coming full force. I have exams in five days, which is good, since I will have five study days! I am definitely going to need them.

I also haven't been posting lately because I haven't been feeling very inspiring. These past three days have been absolute disgusting failures. Everyone I know is celebrating the end of classes and the holidays, and they are eating food and being merry and all that business, and I just want to join in.... but then I eat along with everyone else, and then I can't stop myself, and it becomes one of those "public binges", where you don't eat enough to cause alarm, not as much as one would eat when binging in private, but far more than I ever wanted or planned on eating. All for what? Because others were doing it too? Because I wanted to feel normal? Because I thought maybe it would make me cheerful and merry, too? Well, it's all wrong. The only thing that will make me happy and cheerful is by stopping these binges in their tracks. I can't stand the way I feel after a binge. I feel absolutely wretched and stained and dirty, from the inside out. It's something a shower or bath can't fix. The only thing that can fix it is by good old restricting. My most loved and hated friend. Frenemies, I suppose?

I need to face it. I am not normal, and I can't pretend to be. I can be happy and merry on the outside, but that is only fooling my friends. I can't fool myself into happiness by eating what the happy people eat. It doesn't work that way. My happiness comes from my complete control over what I allow into my body. No more binging. It stops tonight. I can't have this anymore. It's like a monster living inside of me, and it's all I can think about. I need to study for five days, and I can't do that if I am silently screaming and falling apart on the inside because of a binge. After a binge, I become hyperactive. I can't do anything constructive for the rest of the day. My thought become consumed with the food I have just eaten, and whether I can fit more in, and how horrid I am, and I can't be in any one place for more than five minutes. You obviously see how this will not help my studying.

I posted this as a comment on Isobel's blog not long ago, in reference to binging: This is the worst feeling, and we've all been there. I have been there twice in the past three days. But tomorrow, I am going to end this, and you are too. No more stuffing ourselves until it hurts. It's not right, and it's not fair to ourselves. We stop this nonsense now. Because that's what it is, it's nonsense. We're stronger than that; I know it and you know it. And if we can't control what goes into our mouths, what can we control?

I just thought I would share it with you all. Because we're all stronger than our binges, or our urge to binge. Even though it might not seem like it. Sometimes it may take extraordinary measures to stop one, but all binges CAN be stopped. Remember that, girls. Every time I go to eat from now on, I am going to ask myself if I really need it. If it is absolutely necessary for me to eat at that moment. I will do my best to put off eating for as long as I possibly can. Every minute I push the urge to eat away onto the next minute is me winning. I am going to keep a tally tomorrow of how many times I win tomorrow, and I will let you know tomorrow night. I love winning, and I am very competitive, and who is better to compete against than yourself? There is no worse enemy nor better competitor. NO MORE BINGING. This is a huge statement right here, but I want to actually never binge again. It doesn't even make me feel good when I am doing it. So why? Why do I do it? I don't know if that puzzle will ever be answered. I just know that I am so much happier when I have been a long time without a binge. I have more energy, more concentration, and less anxiety.

It will help with the stress of exams, too. I always stop eating around exams. It's one of the welcome things about them.

I am very sorry if this whole post was disjointed and hard to follow. I just needed to get it all out, and I hope it helped out some of you. Stay tuned for how many times I win tomorrow!

Love you, Skinnies :)

~Sottile