Stress = No Appetite

HUGE exam on Monday. It's a mid-term, and only worth 20% of our grade, which is a good thing trust me, but a third of the class failed it last year. That says alot coming from type A personality vet students who had to have near perfect grades to get in to vet school in the first place. I am really scared. I have never truly been scared for an exam before, but I am now. This is something I could potentially fail, and I have never failed scholastically before. So scared. And so stressed. Which means my stomach can growl itself away all day, and it's all I can do to eat something. On the one hand, this is good, because it means I will lose weight quicker, but on the other hand, I do need some sort of nourishment to get me through the next three days without my brain becoming a big pile of mush.

So, oddly enough, I am trying to at least eat something. K, my roomie, and I decided to take a study break during dinner to watch TIVOed America's Next Top Model. During dinner. So even though I had no appetite, I had to make something, or it would have looked weird. I hadn't eaten anything for the whole day besides a small bowl of dry cereal, which it took me an hour to eat, and K wasn't up to see me eat that. So she had seen me eat nothing all day. Oh, except for a banana. So I made some pasta and sauce, and put a very small portion, like a 1/4 cup, into a bowl. And I could only eat about half of it. I am just not mentally hungry. Physically, yes; mentally, hell no.

I am happy about this, I swear. Haha. As if I would be lamenting the fact that I can't eat. I am just so stressed it's hard to feel happy about anything right now.

And I just spent the last hour looking at the Applebee's menu and the nutrition facts, because K asked me earlier this evening if I wanted to get Applebee's takeout for dinner tomorrow. I don't know what came over me, maybe I just wasn't thinking, but I said YES!! WHY did I do that? Applebee's is all greasy and nasty and fatty. So I don't know what to get yet. I honestly might get chicken fingers. It sounds counterintuitive, but if I were to get a salad, I would eat way more than I should, because it's a salad, and it's "good for you". Except their salads are going to be drenched in dressing and contain way too many calories. If I get chicken fingers, I am only going to allow myself one chicken finger and a few fries, because I know they are not safe foods in the first place. Then I will consume less calories with the chicken fingers than if I got the salad. Does this make any sense to anyone besides me?

This is my tactic anytime I go to a restaurant. Either chicken fingers or a quesadilla. And when I eat fried food, no matter how little I eat, people immediately assume everything is fine, because I wouldn't have ordered fried food if I had a problem like an eating disorder.

Also, randomly, I just don't know how people can eat normally. K's normal eating habits are a bagel or PopTarts in the morning, then a chicken sandwich from the cafeteria at school because she is "starving" and usually has a mini 3 Musketeers also, she has a yogurt in the afternoon for a snack, comes home, has some candy or some cracker-type snacks, eats dinner, which might be something like ravioli with sauce and a salad loaded with croutons, dressing, and mozzarella cheese, and lately she has been having a bowl of Count Chocula cereal with milk around 9pm. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. How can you be legitimately hungry?? There is no possible way. That must be way over 2,000 calories. I am in horrified awe of this. K has admitted herself that she had gained back the weight she lost this summer when she went back home. So she is back to 155lbs. In a hateful way, I am at least happy that she can't eat that much and not gain weight. So just a rant. Because I just can't believe it. How does she not feel guilty??? I think I will never know what it feels like to eat like a normal person. Ha, oh well. I would much rather be skinny than normal. :)

Also, I will discuss this more later, because this was meant to be a quick post, and it's turning into something much longer, but I don't think I should ever be allowed to have kids. I would probably give them all eating disorders.

Love you, Skinnies!

~Sottile