Cheerful. Hmmm.

That is the word my friend used to describe me in one of those Facebook Social Interview things. Cheerful. Ah, what a good front I put up. I would not describe the person who resides inside this body as cheerful. Perhaps I have my cheerful moments, but most of the time, I just think about food, and how much weight I can lose in what amount of time, and about how I feel like I look disgusting. Definitely not cheerful.

The thing is, I have read so many things about how being yourself will make you so much happier than being skinny will make you, and how skinny girls are unhappy because they can't enjoy life as much without being able to eat whatever they feel like. I will have you know that I was never happier in my adult life as when I was skinny, when I was 105-110lbs. I didn't feel deprived because I couldn't eat; I did eat! If I wanted french fries, I had three and it was all I needed. If I wanted a cookie, I had a half of one, and it was delicious. I could have one Reese's cup, and I felt satisfied. A few bites of ice cream? Perfectly fine. I never denied myself anything, and I felt so great. Compared to now, when I have never felt worse about myself. So do not listen to the magazine articles that tell you to just accept your body and you will be happy. They are middle-aged women who are ten pounds overweight who are still trying to accept their own bodies. You can change yourself and be all the better and happier for it.

But I had a small epiphany this evening. As I was despairing over what to eat for dinner, because I had eaten a few Wheat Thins and cheese earlier, when I did not want to eat until dinner, I realized that the only person who can make me eat is: ME. It is so much easier to decide that I will just not eat, so why am I bothering myself with planning what to eat for dinner, and worrying about what K will think about me eating/not eating and my food choices? It's all up to me. If I don't want to do something, no one can force me to; that includes eating. It is so exhausting to figure out what is safe enough to eat, and how many calories I can afford to spend on dinner based on how much I have eaten throughout the day, and if what I am eating looks suspicious or not, or if K has noticed that I haven't eaten anything. Just telling myself "You don't need to eat anything tonight" takes a weight off my shoulders, and I am free to concentrate on other things. I got so much studying done this evening, because I wasn't concentrating on what time it was, and if it was an acceptable time to eat, and if I felt legitimately hungry enough to eat; I just knew I wasn't going to eat dinner. I had the box of Wheat Thins on the coffee table, for looks and so if I felt really hungry I could take one. I ended up having four, and felt completely satisfied.

I don't know why I never consciously thought about this before. I mean, I always knew this, but I guess I never thought much about it. I was always worried about what other people would think, and feeling like I need to make a show of eating to make it seem like I am normal, and it caused me so much anxiety. Food = anxiety. Without the added burden of it, I feel much more free. I could just go on and on about this revelation.

But really, thinking about what to eat and preparing it is so time consuming, and then I am berating myself as I am eating, because I am doing things wrong, like eating too fast, or not chewing long enough, or taking too big of bites, or biting directly off the food item instead of tearing it into smaller pieces with my fingers first (that's a big rule I have: never eat directly from the food itself. Use a fork or spoon, or if it is finger food, like toast, tear bits off so it goes from food to fingers to mouth. I feel greedy otherwise). Making the decision to forgo the food is so much easier.

This is such a great feeling :)

Love you, Skinnies!

~Sottile