I Was Doing So Well

So I was doing extremely well up until when I went to my friend's apartment for game night.

But before this evening happened, the ice cream social at school happened. I caved and scooped myself a small scoop of ice cream, and had about two bites before I got entirely grossed out over what I was doing. Since I am a vet student, and I want to do large animal, I started thinking about all the nasty infections udders can get, and how gross the milk looks when it comes out of an infected udder, and threw the ice cream away. So two bites, not too much damage.

However, it had been a really long time since I have had ice cream, much less any dairy product containing lactose. (For those who don't know, cheddar cheese has no lactose in it - lactose is the milk protein that a lot of people have trouble digesting.) So my stomach felt really icky for the rest of the day. I didn't eat dinner since I felt kind of nauseous, so when I got to my friend J's house, I was ravenous. Of course, I would never admit that to anyone but all of you. It is a rule of mine. Never tell someone you are hungry. They will expect you to eat a lot. Plus, it sounds greedy to me. So anyway, I was really hungry, and had a half mug of hot chocolate, and a mini binge on tortilla chips and salsa and Cheetos. Disgusting.

And what bothers me the most is that I no longer have that feeling of truly deep hunger. If I had just refrained from eating at J's, I would still be feeling that beautiful, haunting, deep to the soul hunger that I was experiencing before I left for J's. And I would be even hungrier now if I had just not eaten. At least I was around people, so I didn't eat a ton of chips. I knew I would have looked crazy, so I ate a "normal" amount. I did confide to W, my skinny friend, that I hadn't eaten dinner and so I was really hungry, and she gave me this understanding look. I wish she would wear a red bracelet or something, so I would know. Then we could share tips and tricks, and encourage each other and no one would be the wiser, but she has never come out and said anything to me. Maybe when we go to London together and have a bunch of time just her and me, it will come out and we can be skinny together. It would be so great!

On that note, I am really excited, not only to go to London, but to go there with W. Normally when I take a trip somewhere, I am always concerned about what I am going to eat, because I will be with someone all day and won't be able to skip meals or eat only very small portions. But with W, I won't have to make excuses, because that is how she eats too. I am sure she feels the same way as I do, that she won't be worrying about me judging her or anything. It's so great to not have that to worry about :)

Well, I am going to get ready for bed. Time to see what damage I caused with the chips this evening. I really hope the number is not too high. I was doing so well today...

Love you, Skinnies!

~Sottile