Allow Me to Introduce Myself

So, finally, my first post. I have been meaning to do this for a long time now, like since the beginning of August when I first began reading everyone's blogs. I just always have something else to do; right now I have other things to do as well, but I just decided to commit and blog.

See, I am a second-year student at a very well known veterinary school in North America. You could probably all guess the name. Anyway, I am extremely busy all the time. We basically need to know more than human doctors, because we treat all kinds of species that all have different anatomies, physiologies, diseases, etc., and we are expected to know all of it. I pretty much use all my free time for studying, and when I am not using my free time for studying, I should be studying. Ah, the life of a vet student. Working with animals and making them healthy is what I love doing, though, so I don't mind the social life sacrifice. I have not been on a date since I was a junior in undergrad, and that was three years ago, so you can see the amount of work I have put into my goals. My cat is my boyfriend ;)

A bit about how I got to where I am in my life:
I have always felt very concious about my body. I was a competitive gymnast until I turned 14 and grew 6 inches in the course of a year, from 5' to 5'6", and felt so awkward and didn't know how to use my body. I then turned to ski racing, because I had been racing competitively since 8 years old, and skiing since 3, but it was never my #1 sport because I was so focused on gymnastics. In skiing, the focus on the body is being very strong and eating alot to keep muscle and weight on to get yourself more speed. I was one of the smaller ones on ski team at 130 lbs, and was torn between wanting to be larger to get faster and stronger, or being smaller to be graceful and beautiful.

Once I got to college, I stopped skiing because I wanted to focus on my major, pre-vet, and I gained ten pounds of fat in my freshman year, as I was eating the same amount I did when I was a racer and not working out. I hated it, so my sophomore year, I started my messed up relationship with eating. I got down to 114 lbs. by the end of sophomore year, and thought I looked okay, but wanted to be thinner. My mom told me that summer that she was "watching me" and that if I lost any more weight, she would take action. I reassured her that I had no problem, and not to worry. However, I lost 4 more pounds that summer, and started school my junior year at 110 lbs. I quickly lost another 6 lbs. in my first two weeks back, and was a glorious 104 lbs. I LOVED the way I looked, but knew if I went home at that weight, my mom would freak out. I gained 4 lbs. before Thanksgiving break, but my mother still went nuts. I didn't think I looked too skinny, but my mom was calling me Mary-Kate and saying my hair looked horrible, and actually brought me with her to the hospital she works at to weigh me, since we didn't have a scale at home. I made sure to eat a big breakfast that morning with a lot of water, I remember, and I waited to take my morning shit (I know, TMI, but what can I say) until after I was weighed. I was 111 lbs.; my mom just gave me a look but didn't say anything. I focused on eating normally for the Thanksgiving break, and when I got back to school, I had only gained two lbs. up to 110. For the rest of my undergrad career, I maintained a weight of 108-110 lbs., as it was the lowest weight my mother seemed to tolerate without threatening to send me to therapy.

At the end of senior year, I ballooned up to 115 lbs., due to nights of eating and going out with friends, celebrating our last couple days together. I didn't freak out too much, because I knew I could lose it easily. However, for some reason, I just didn't lose the 5 lbs. I stayed steady there and entered my first year of vet school at 115 lbs. I hated it, but I told myself without my mother's eagle eye, I would lose the weight quickly, like always. Well, I didn't do that either. I stayed at 115 lbs. One of my best friends at school, W, is this skinny skinny girl who is my height and weighs about 100 lbs. You would think it would be a trigger for me, but I just kept eating. It was horrible, and I didn't know what to do to stop myself. Luckily, I was staying steady at 115 lbs., even though I felt like I was eating a ton of food.

Then Christmas rolled around. I have never gained weight "holiday weight", but this winter break, I managed to gorge myself to 120 lbs. I was disgusted. It would not do. But the weight stayed. And stayed. And stayed. No matter how much I told myself today would be different, I would find myself eating. For someone else, the amount I was eating would be normal, but for me, I felt like a disgusting person. I couldn't stand the way I looked in my clothes, and there are some tops and pants I have from my skinny undergrad days that I have yet to wear in vet school because I feel so fat in them.

Summer break came, and by that time, I had added another three lbs., up to 123. I was sure I would lost weight over the summer. I had an externship at a large animal clinic for a month, and without anyone there who knew my eating habits, I was certain I could eat like a mouse and lose 15 lbs. Negative on that one. It was healthy milk-fed country, and I was the smallest person I met out there. I came back from my externship, with two weeks left until school started, weighing in at a hefty 130 lbs.

And that is where I stand today. A disgusting 130 lbs. I HATE my body. I feel disgusting. There is nothing in my closet that looks good on me. I used to get all these comments on my figure back in undergrad about how small I was, how skinny, that I look like I weigh 95 lbs., that people were worried they would break me, how lucky I was to be so thin, etc. I never get comments like that anymore. Those are reserved for my skinny friend, W. Over the last two weeks back at school, I have been getting back into my old habits from undergrad, and I can feel ana coming back full force. I cannot wait to lost this weight and be skinny again.

This morning I was 128 lbs., and I am not planning on eating anything for dinner tonight. I already ate a big sandwich for lunch at lunch lecture we put on for Surgery Club. I doubt I will be hungry anyway. I am planning on giving myself prizes for meeting goals. I had a goal to get to 125 lbs. this past Sunday, but obvi I didn't get there. If I had, I could order a pair of shoes I have been eyeing. But now, to get those shoes, I need to be 120 lbs. by this Sunday. We'll see. My goal is 108-110 range, like I was in undergrad. I can be happy there, and so can my mother. It's so annoying how she thinks she has a say in this, but it's kind of my fault, because I don't want to worry her. I love my mother enormously, so if she worries about me at a weight lower than 108-110 lbs., I won't go lower. Plus, I want to be a large animal vet, and I need to have some substance to me to do the things I need to do :)

My ultimate reward to myself for reaching 110 lbs. will be a pair of Chanel glasses frames. I wear contacts mostly, but those frames I want are so chic, they will look so good on my skinny face once I am back to my "fighting weight", as I like to call it.

So anyway, sorry for the long post, but I wanted you all to get a chance to get the background info about me and bring me into your community.

Love you, Skinnies!

~Sottile