Pictures and Minor Setbacks

I uploaded pictures from London! Unfortunately, I literally only have three pictures of myself in 142 pictures worth. And two of them are pretty much identical. The rest are all of architecture and all the sights we visited. But here they are for you to see!My legs look thick in this picture, but I think it's a combination of the Uggs and the fact that those jeans are loose on me.

I am the one in the purple coat, and W is in the brown coat. I don't particularly like my smile in this picture (it doesn't look genuine enough lol), but everything else is good.

This is St. Paul's Cathedral at night. I love this picture :)

So, I didn't definitively decide whether or not W is ana, but some interesting snippets of conversation definitely made me think more yes than no. For example, every day for lunch, we would get sandwiches from Pret-A-Manger or Marks & Spencer, and we would both only eat half the sandwich. The first day, when we got back to my uncle's flat, W went to put our leftover sandwich halves in the fridge and said to me "It makes me happy that you only ate half of your sandwich, too". She also looked at the nutritional info before buying or eating something, which is not something most normal people do in my experience. She also made excuses for not eating things, like the evening that my uncle's partner brought us scoops of ice cream with crumbled apple pie on top. Luckily, he had only put one small scoop of ice cream in each dish for everyone, but I still didn't want to eat it. I have this thing of not wanting to be rude, though, so I ate the scoop of ice cream, but as W was on my uncle's computer, she made the excuse of "I don't want to get ice cream on your laptop!", and so only had one bite of ice cream, to be polite I am sure. There was also one night where W and I just didn't eat dinner. Come to think of it, this was also the night of the ice cream, so PJ (my uncle's partner) probably was trying to feed us or something lol. We munched a bit on Wheat Thins that evening that W bought before we left and smuggled over in her suitcase. Not that anyone would have cared, because they aren't produce or anything.

In other news, I was 123lbs. this morning. Ugh, I feel like a failure. I need my super strength back, like NOW! This is how it went down: On Monday morning, I was 121lbs. and was right on track for hitting 119lbs. this morning as long as I restricted like I know I can. Well, restricting was going well until I got home from school at 4pm. I was really hungry, and finished up a bag of foccacia sticks that only had about a serving left, so I was okay with that. Then I decided I wanted a bit of chocolate, and broke off a piece of a Flake bar (Yes, W and I raided one of the shops in the Victoria Underground station and bought a ton of Cadbury to bring back with us. We were bad girls!) Then I started binging on the most random things. Greek olives and Fontina cheese, for the most part. A small amount of Chex mix and a few jelly beans, but it really was those olives and the cheese. I don't even know what brought on this binge, but it happened. I hate having to tell you girls that I messed up, because as I've been catching up on your blogs this afternoon, you've been writing glowing things about my progress even in my absence, and now I have to report to you that I failed. I am 124lbs. as of this evening, but I think that is due to the large amount of water I drank at 6pm, since I haven't eaten much since 2pm otherwise, and I haven't peed much since drinking the water. This thirst just came over me, so I had a whole 500mL bottle of Figi water, and then filled it back up with plain tap water, and drank that down as well. A whole liter in under five minutes! I feel hungry right now, so hopefully I will pee out the water tomorrow morning when I wake up, and I will have lost some weight.

I plan on regaining my focus tomorrow, so I can keep reporting awesome losses to you girls :) I will make you all proud tomorrow, I promise! I am trying to tell myself that this is just a minor minor minor setback, but it still stings like a papercut. I am just a much happier person when I am restricting. You would think it would be the opposite, but I just hate myself so much when I eat over the amount I think is appropriate, and then I am consumed by self-hate that I ignore all things happening around me, and go into my own little fortress of freak-out. I literally felt like a crazed wild animal last night, and to K and T, I must have looked at times catatonic, because I would sit on the couch and think about whether I wanted something else, or think about how much I already eaten, and at other times OCD, because I would get up, go to the kitchen, not eat anything, go to my room (where I looked at my stomach in the mirror), come out, go back into the kitchen, not eat anything, sit on the couch, get up again to go to the kitchen, and finally get one small thing. So, I will once again regain my restriction mind-set, and be the happy person with a big smile for everyone, like all my friends know me to be. Now that I have a plan, I feel much better.

I was going to do a five random things about me post that Becca had done in one of her previous blog entries, but I think this entry is getting long enough already. I will save that for tomorrow or something.

Easter is coming, and I am already getting anxiety over all the food that is going to be at our apartment on Sunday, since we are hosting a pot-luck with all of our friends. Last year, we had so much left-over food in our fridge that no one took with them, I literally would scream every time I opened the fridge to try to find something. This year, I will make it my personal mission to make sure that everyone leaves with the dish they made, no matter how much is left. I don't want your leftover food!

Love you, Skinnies!

~Sottile