I'm Freaking Out

My grandma got out of the hospital about five days ago because she had a bacterial infection in her lungs that was making it difficult for her to breathe. I spoke with my mom on Tuesday, and my mom said my grandma was doing a lot better when she was discharged. I called to talk with her today, and I was just totally shocked and unprepared for how awful and sick she sounded. It was so scary!

My grandma is 85 now, and every time I see her, she looks more fragile. She had to have surgery last Christmas to correct a spinal stenosis in her lumber spinal canal, which means that it was narrowing and compressing her spinal cord. The surgery was really hard on her, and she almost died, but she bounced back, and got to go home after spending four months in the hospital, but now she is in a wheelchair because her legs are very clumsy now from the spinal cord compression she sustained. So last time when I saw her, she just looked so small and weak being in her wheelchair. She is only 4'9" and like 80 pounds, so she is tiny. She looked so breakable the last time I saw her. And now hearing her like this, I am just freaking out.

My mom is a nurse and I know she would tell me if my grandma was doing poorly and would tell me I should go down and see her, so since I haven't gotten a call like that from my mom, I know that nothing serious can be going on with my grandma. Still, when all I have to go off of is hearing her voice, not being able to see the whole picture, she sounds like she is on her death bed! I was having to fight back the tears when I was talking with her on the phone, but I wanted to remain upbeat and happy-sounding since she sounded so depressed. She kept coughing and saying how this infection makes it hard to breathe for her. I just keep picturing her having a coughing fit at night and stopping breathing, and even though my grandpa sleeps in the same bed, I just wonder, what if he doesn't wake up in time and she dies of asphyxiation?

I am so concerned for her and her health, and she is so old and fragile, it is going to take extra effort for her body to fight off this infection. I know that my grandma and grandpa are both getting very old, but they have always been big fixtures in my life, and I can't/don't want to imagine the time when they won't be there anymore. My grandma's health has not ever really been the same since her surgery last Christmas, and I am so worried that something like this infection could just be too overwhelming for her body to handle.

K had a softball game today, and when she came back after the game, she walked in the door and I just started bawling. She came over and held me for like 15 minutes while I just cried. It felt good to cry; I really needed it. Oh wait, here come more tears. I am just so worried for my grandma.

I had my mini bagel this morning, and then after talking to my grandma this afternoon, I lost all my appetite. K walked across the street to the store to buy me Ben & Jerry's ice cream for dinner, since that was the only thing that sounded remotely good, and she could hear my stomach growling from across the room even though I was saying I just wasn't hungry. Still, I could only manage a few bites of ice cream before I didn't want it anymore. Suffice it to say, all studying went down the drain after talking with my grandma. I couldn't concentrate at all; I couldn't even concentrate on mindless Sixteen and Pregnant on MTV!

Please keep my grandma in your thoughts and prayers for the next couple of weeks. She is going to need it, and it would make me feel better knowing people from all over the world are thinking of her. Thanks, guys.

Love you, Skinnies.

~Sottile