The Gods Must Be Smiling On Me

I am going to start at the beginning. I was 125lbs. when I woke up this morning!! Ecstatic :) I finally feel like I am making progress and going in the right direction. So, that was down from 126lbs. last night, including the dastardly cookie.

Then I had the party to contend with. I was going to bring a veggie platter, so I would have safe veggies to munch on at the party, but I ended up deciding on making artichoke dip. It is made with artichoke hearts, parmesan cheese, and mayonnaise. I use light mayonnaise, but it's still mayo. Can't change that. Then to make it just a bit more artery clogging, you serve it with ranch Doritos. However, there is a method to my madness. If you read my last post, you will know that K seems suspicious. So, to throw her off my track, I went with the dip, because she knows I like it, and she knows that it is by no means a diet food, so she would see me making it, and assume I would eat some at the party, and everything would be well and good. She is one of those people who thinks everything is fixed with one meal. Ha, as if that were true. Anyway.

We went grocery shopping today, because I needed ingredients for the dip, and some coffee, and K needed actual food. She bought a bunch of groceries, about $70 worth, and I had my stuff to make the dip, ground coffee, three yogurts, and a cucumber. K commented, "Yet again, you buy nothing, and I buy the whole store." I reminded her that I had gone grocery shopping for myself on Friday while she was at work, so that settled her. It was true though, I did go grocery shopping on Friday. I didn't really buy things she would deem appropriate for two weeks worth of food, but oh well. That's why I went by myself ;)

That was around noon when we went shopping. I was feeling mighty hungry, but I only had some light soy milk and grapes when we got back. That, plus my breakfast in the morning, put me at 467 cals for the day at that point. My plan was not to eat anything else until the party, so I could be seen eating in front of people. I sat down to study, and decided I would start making the artichoke dip at 6, because the party was at 7. I made the dip, and got ready to go our friend's.

We showed up, and there was already SO MUCH FOOD! And then people would show up with more food in tow! I swear, it was enough to feed a small country. A run-down of things I can remember: cheesy potatoes, stuffed shells, macaroni and cheese, chili, kale soup, this stuffed squash thing (basically a squash sandwich with cheese and sauce in the middle), my dip, a veggie platter with ranch dressing, tortilla chips and salsa, cheese and crakers, beer, wine, bruschetta, two kinds of cupcakes, oatmeal raisin cookies, chocolate covered strawberries, apple crisp, and ice cream cake. IT WAS MY WORST NIGHTMARE. I literally thought I was going to panic. And the amazing thing was that people kept getting up to get more! I was amazed. I wanted to ask people how they were fitting all that in. I didn't eat much; I had four chips with my dip, veggies without the ranch dressing, a small spoonful of macaroni and cheese, one cube of cheese without a cracker, a very small amount of the apple crisp, and the smallest chocolate covered strawberry out of the lot. It sounds like a lot, and in my stomach it sure felt like a lot, but I don't think the amount I ate would have covered half of a dinner plate if I put it all on there at once. Which was precisely my plan; to make it look as though I was eating a lot, like everyone else, but not eat much at all. Still, I felt like a cow, and my stomach began to hurt after a while, since it isn't used to so much food at one time.

When the ice cream cake was brought out, and my friend E was doling out slices, he came to me and I said "Oh no, I am much too full! I couldn't possibly eat anything else. It looks delicious though, I wish I had room!" And, the clincher. K was sitting next to me, and she said "Yeah, you've had a lot to eat tonight! Where are you putting it all?" Redemption, thank you :)

So I was pleased that I had given myself a few days reprieve from K's prying into my eating habits with my show this evening, but I was terrified of getting on the scale. I just felt like it was going to jump up so high, and I would have ruined everything. It was so weird, because on the one hand, I was proud of the amount I got away with eating, knowing that I didn't eat much while still fooling people, but on the other hand, I felt like I had just binged, and hated myself for even putting one chip in my mouth; I felt like a failure. I tried to console myself with that fact that I had to eat, because it was the reason for the party. Everyone was standing around the food table, just stuffing their faces, so it would have been entirely too obvious if I didn't eat. I tried to tell myself that it could have been so much worse, that I could have actually binged like I sometimes do at parties, and this time I just vicariously binged through others. But I still felt like a fat failure.

So getting down to it, I was terrified of the scale tonight. I looked at it staring back at me while I was brushing my teeth. I kept stealing glances at it while I was washing my face. Then, the showdown. I stripped down to my underwear, got on, looked down, and WHAT? REALLY? SERIOUSLY? I don't think you're telling me the truth. 126lbs.! I was so happy. I really thought I was going to be 130lbs. I had this irrational fear that the small amount I had eaten at the party was going to cause me to gain five pounds, at least. So when I saw that I was only one measly pound heavier than I was this morning, I did a little dance in the bathroom, like a dork lol. I checked again, just to make sure, and it still said 126lbs. I'll be back to 125lbs. tomorrow morning! I was so happy :) So that is why the gods must be smiling on me.

This is getting entirely too long. Just one more thing. One of my uncles is getting married this summer. The first thought that jumped into my head was, I have to be so skinny for this wedding! Is that strange? I think so. But you girls all understand, so I am fine with it.

Love you, Skinnies!

~Sottile